Everytime, Trying to Believe

Considering that I don't really want to even write anything at the moment, what am I doing on here? I think it might be a habit, or I'm just unconsciously lying. I don't even have much to talk about. The only thing I think of when I try and write on this blog is poetry. That's why there's so much of that..

I've been listening to the song 'The only Exception' by Paramore. I can relate to it so much that it's scary. There was a point in my life that I did not believe in love at all. It's hard for me to believe that the romance type of love lasts, even if it isn't just an illusion of the mind somehow. ..I dunno. All I know, is that, everything in this life can never stay unchanging. I've never wanted to admit it before, but I hate changes; a lot of them. I hate growing older, and I hate saying goodbye to my childhood. I hate forgetting. When I was a kid, I believed in everything unwaveringly; almost foolishly. I believed in Santa Claus until I was 8. I was sick mentally when I figured out the presents from him were just bought by my mom and put under the tree at the last moment. Every time one of my fantasies break, I'm left feeling sick in my stomach, like some type of shock syndrome. I wonder if I'll be able to adapt to these things more easily later on...I hope so at least.

Whenever I write 'every time', I always want to put it as one word= everytime. Here comes my mistake fetish. Even if I do something like this, if I spell it like this, it's still correct to me, even if it isn't to other people or that stupid spell check. People always want to put things into the categories of right and wrong, to the point that it limits freedom. Why can't I just do things my own way? We've put too many rules on society, hoping that they will run our lives smoother. We depend on limitations to keep ourselves within the lines. We depend on limitations to see how far we've come. We depend on limitations to give ourselves an excuse. We depend on limitations to compare ourselves to others. We depend on limitations to limit. I'm sick of thinking like this. It's all I ever do. Aren't I useful in anything?

I look at couples. I look at my grandparents, and I think, "Is that what true love looks like?" But somehow I look at them, and I doubt. I don't think I would ever want to be in their position.

Can I even being considered human anymore? To not know what love is anymore.. I knew when I was a kid. I was so funny, and whenever I think of it I get embarrassed. There was one time a million years ago when I gave myself this project; that while my sister was away for one week I would give her a thousand letters telling her how much I loved her. I pretty much succeeded, and there were piles by the time she got back. I included my little brothers in the project too. It's been a few years, and I just barely got some of them back from my sister who was doing a little light cleaning. They are incredibly hilarious and embarrassing, to say the least. But when I look at them, I somehow feel happy. Massed produced copies of love telling letters that I hardly cared for then, yet they are so precious now, and irreplaceable. What does time do to things and people?

I wonder if I'll come up with an answer. Or, rather, my answer.
It's either that, or loneliness forever.
I can say,
I'm
sick
of
that.

Argh.
I'm bored today.
Can't think.
On my way to believing?
I wonder.
I hope so.
I want to be...

Well, either way, I have come further than I started out. I have people I care for.